REVIEW: Halo 3

Let’s just get this out of the way right now:

“I, Chris Wood, do solemnly swear on my honor and dignity that I will make no references to “fights” or various manners on which they may or may not be finished throughout the course of this review. Also I shall make no use of the following words anywhere in the following text: noob (or n00b), cockbite, w00t, cover guy, teamkiller, fucktard, or semprini. I promise to report the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, regardless of what fallout it may or may not bring me.”

The highly anticipated, much blogged about Halo 3 has been in the public’s hands for over a month now. The hype has died down, and I’ve just recently finished the single-player campaign. So, you may be wondering, how is it? In reality, you should have a copy by now and know for yourself (even PS3 owners. It’s like how, in the 70s, everybody had a copy of Frampton Comes Alive). But if you’re a little slow behind the fast-moving train of nerd supremacy, I’ll give you all the information you’d ever want to know about Halo 3.

The game promises to close all the plotlines of the Halo franchise up to that point. The Covenant control Earth, Cortana is still a captive of the Gravemind, and the universe is on the verge of destruction upon the finding of an ancient artifact known as “The Ark”. (note: if any of those terms confused you, look them up on Wikipedia before proceeding. It’s too much for just one blog…) You assume the familiar role of Master Chief and pump lead and plasma into anything around you that moves. That’s pretty much all I can say without getting into the plot.

Speaking of which, I don’t know if it was my disc or not, but I had a hard time hearing the dialogue during cutscenes, which as a result, caused me to lose a lot of valuable plot information, leaving me confused like a kid who wonders exactly why Mommy has a large rubber wiener in her drawer? And like said hypothetical kid, I turned to the Internet for answers. I’d often find myself going onto Wikipedia to figure out exactly where the hell I was and why I had to find this one guy in order to stop something from happening. But once I found out, I got right back to killing aliens, which was okay with me.

And with regards to the story (I know I’m going to catch hell for this one) but I thought that this was the Matrix: Revolutions of the series: interesting in parts, and a decent attempt to wrap the story up, but unsatisfying for the most part. I guess I can attribute some of this to the fact that I couldn’t keep up with the cutscenes, but a lot of the plot points were just blah. It didn’t have the urgency of the first Halo, or the character moments of Halo 2. A lot of third movies in trilogies suffer this feeling, perhaps since it’s the end. I won’t spoil the ending for anyone, but I felt like the major levels (i.e. the dealing with the Prophet of Truth and the final driving scene) could’ve had a lot more punch, the driving scene especially. I’m reminded of the first Halo, where you had ten minutes to drive to a waiting aircraft before the whole place blew up. That level was expertly done, and had a real tension to the moment. The final level of Halo 3 comes close, but doesn’t quite recapture that past glory, in terms of storytelling.

The gameplay, on the other hand, is much improved. I’ve always been a critic of “run-and-gun” games, preferring the tactical element of Gears of War more to the blind trigger orgy that Halo can become sometimes. They haven’t improved that element since that’s part of Halo’s appeal, but almost everything else is improved and upgraded. The new control scheme is awesome, intuitive and easy to use. The only glitch in my experience was that the X button, which previously was for reloading, is now to deploy the specialty items, like the Bubble Shield. The first few times you try it, you may accidentally toss a shield instead of reloading your weapon. But it doesn’t take long for you to adapt to the new control scheme. And yes, to teabag someone, it’s still the same buttons.

My only complaint about single-player gameplay is the Brutes. Bungie has promised its customers that the Brutes would be smarter and much harder to beat, like a mini-boss almost. Not the case with Halo 3. Most times, I could unload an entire clip from my Assault Rifle into a Brute and drop the poor sonofabitch with little to no effort. And if you have a grenade, good night nurse! The Flood are harder to handle than the Brutes! Speaking of the Flood, I think they got the Flood spot on with this game. They’re very difficult to beat without running through a few times. And if you notice, a Flood Spore can reanimate a Flood Corpse to attack you again, which adds a new level of difficulty.

I haven’t had the chance to delve into multiplayer yet, but all the stuff I’ve heard and seen has been positive. Halo multiplayer is always the big draw to the game, and not only has Bungie kept the good pieces intact, but they’ve added new features to make multiplayer the part of the game worth the 60 bucks you drop for it. And me, as a machinima maker, I enjoy the new features such as Forge and Saved Movies in order to make the process of animation easier. It’s doubtful if I’ll get as into multiplayer as some people have, but if I ever feel the need to be violated by a 13 year old while he screams profanity into my ear, I’ll be right there on Xbox Live.

Final Judgement: 3 and 1/2 n00bs (“fuck”) out of 5.

Everyone knows this game or owns this game already. If you have it, enjoy it. It’s definitely a fun experience to play, and if you’ve got some friends to kill, there’s nothing better. If you want a good story, I’d stick more with BioShock. But if you don’t own it already, I’d follow in the steps of my make-up teacher Rob Benevides: rent the game, beat it in one day, and then take it back. You’ll have all the fun of shooting aliens with only the 10 dollar financial commitment.

The Most Depressing News of the Week, pt. 2

I never thought I’d see this day, where a guaranteed slam-dunk of money, talent, and hype couldn’t get a project off the ground. Leave it to human nature; we’re unpredictable creatures, and if there’s a way to fuck up, no matter how many subliminal hoops we have to jump through, we can seize it like a crocodile seizing its prey. So, start the funeral music, because here it is:

According to director Neill Blomkamp, the expected adaptation of the Halo series is “dead.” (sniffle) Apparently, disagreements between the studios involved were what caused the demise of this sure-fire moneymaker, and it’s unlikely that the project will ever see the light of day. (snort)… I’m sorry, I just got a little choked up. Let’s hope I can get through the rest of the post without breaking down crying.

This is the sort of thing that I just can’t wrap around my simian brain. Sure, I’m bummed. As a Halo fan and a movie-goer, this movie should’ve kicked Herculean ass. And anyone who’s seen the live-action Halo 3 shorts on the Internet knows that Neill was a great choice for director, taking the sci-fi action of Halo down to a human, almost documentary-like level. Every time I’d watch one of those, I’d get a nerdie (a nerd stiffie) and it upped my hopes that the two studios involved with the project, Universal and Fox, would put aside their differences, agree on a budget, and get the damn thing going!!! But alas, it was not to be. Bureaucracy and bickering got in the way of a decent project that should’ve gotten made even if Christ himself gave it a thumbs down while guest-hosting Ebert & Roeper.

The other thing that confused me was how many people didn’t care about a Halo movie, and even worse, resented the idea. After countless disappointments in the cinema, videogame fans have probably learned that the two mediums are not symbiotic, a case of “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 57 times, shame on everyone!” I certainly disagree with this sentiment, as those shorts are an excellent example of how a good director can work with the material he or she is given. Halo will always exist in Xboxes everywhere, but I can’t help but think that an interesting film could’ve been made, perhaps one that could’ve turned the tide for videogame cinema.

R.I.P. Halo: The Movie

P.S. I urge everyone to Google “Halo live action shorts” and give them a peek. These may be the best battle sequences I’ve seen since Saving Private Ryan.