The Sons of Anarchy Drinking Game

I spent some time delving through the Internet (read: three minutes and one Google search) and I could not come up with a bona fide drinking game for the FX show Sons of Anarchy. To be fair, I did find one, but it only consisted of one rule and the game ended when someone’s liver failed (wakka wakka). This struck me as a hole that needed to be filled; Sons of Anarchy is a fun show about guns, motorcycles, and living the rebel lifestyle… and to be honest, there’s a good chance most of us watching the show are already drinking to begin with.

This is my first attempt at creating something like this, and I’ve never played a game with a group of people. Therefore, if someone more experienced than me can add to this list, I’ll gladly include it. The game is best played with something the club might stock in their bar (all cocktails should be pre-made) but exceptions can be made to make the game more fun.

So, without further delay, I give you the Sons of Anarchy Drinking Game:

The Rules:

• If anyone says “shit” in any context, take one shot.
• Anytime Opie’s name is abbreviated to just “Op,” take a shot.
• If Jax’s son Abel appears onscreen (must be shown in shot, not just a carriage), take a shot, preferably in style of a toast.
• If Jax brings up “the big picture” or “blowback”, take a drink. (submitted by @kayteadee on Twitter)
• Whenever Chucky’s hand dances in pants, take a drink.
• Whenever a call is made on a pre-paid cell phone, take a drink.
• Anytime Jax is referred to as “VP” or “Vice President,” take a drink.
• Anytime Clay is referred to as “P” or “President,” take three drinks.
• Whenever Jax makes a veiled reference to Clay killing Donna, take a drink
• If someone uses an obscene sexual term (“cock,” “pussy,” “cum,” etc.), take two drinks (three if uttered by a female cast member.)
• If you see a “Sons of Anarchy” super-cool back tattoo (full, not partially), take a drink for every person it can be seen on.
• Whenever someone refers to a club meeting as “church” or “chapel,” take two drinks.
• When Bobby appears onscreen in an Elvis costume, take three drinks.
• If the Prospect drops trou to show off his deformed or restored ballsack, take three drinks.
• If John Teller’s voice-over is heard, take three drinks.
• If Otto makes an appearance on camera, take three drinks.
• If John Teller’s book cover (not inside text) is given its own close-up, take three drinks.
• If Piney uses his air tank as a weapon, take three drinks as fast as you can. (submitted by @kayteadee on Twitter)
• If you see Jax Teller’s bare ass at any point during the show, finish the glass/bottle.
• If Clay ever appears onscreen without his moustache, drink a whole glass/bottle.
• If Gemma mentions her boobie scar, drink the whole bottle.
• If an editor screws up and the “F” word makes its away into the show, drink everything in sight.
• And finally, and this is not a rule you might want to mention out loud, but if any member of your Sons of Anarchy viewing party needs the plot explained to him or her, that person must take five drinks of any liquor of the hosts’ choice. If the person asking IS the host, then the host must take a shot of every available liquor in the party.

That’s it! Leave comments underneath on what you think should stay, go, or be added to the list and if it’s good, it’ll go in. Thanks for reading!

For those playing along at home, here’s a printable version:
Sons of Anarchy Drinking Game.pdf

In A World Without Don LaFontaine

Everybody’s heard Don LaFontaine, even though they may not have known it. And now, we’ll never hear him again.

Don LaFontaine, the Godfather of Voice Overs, passed away Monday, September 1st, 2008 from complications after his lung collapsed. The official cause of death is yet undecided, but what are crystal clear are the repercussions.

We’ve all heard his work, and maybe made fun of it at some point. You know those – at times, over – dramatic narrations that accompany movie and TV trailers, many of them featuring the phrase “In a world…” That was his creation, and it was like his “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”* It’s near impossible to find out exactly how many of them he did during his life, although IMDb pegs it at more than 3,500 appearances. He was single-handedly responsible for brining announcing out of the era of Gary Owens (who is still working) and the guy who announced The Honeymooners into the modern era. Movie trailers as we know them would be totally different without his contribution.

But for me, Don LaFontaine was something a bit more personal. He was the first voice I could ever impersonate well, and watching him work on Entertainment Tonight was probably the first time I realized that someone could make a living staying at home and talking into a microphone. Anyone who knows someone who does voice-overs for a living knows that they are the happiest motherfuckers on the planet. Many have home studios, work a few hours out of the day, and have two-car garages. Without people with the caliber of Don LaFontaine, voice-over artists would be even more invisible than they are right now. But beyond the sheer capitalism, Don was an extraordinary talent. Few could make a legend out of doing the same routine for years without it growing stale. He is the Voice of the Movies today, just like Walter Kronkite is synonymous with The News. He was a legend in his field, and movie fans are going to miss him dearly.

It’s difficult to eulogize Don, because I never knew him personally, I don’t have any amusing anecdotes about who he was when he wasn’t working, and his body of work isn’t at the same level as someone like Ayn Rand of Stephen King. I know him as everyone else did, a voice booming out of Dolby speakers in a large room while Keanu Reeves dodges bullets fired at him by Will Smith. But even though they were over-the-top at times, a Don LaFontaine trailer felt familiar and comforting, like eating a hamburger from your favorite restaurant that you know is going to be good, and yet the fore-knowledge doesn’t spoil the sensations one bit. The world will certainly move on and movie trailers will keep informing us of what big projects are lining up to take turns sucking at our wallets. But without that booming baritone coming at us, the commercials will just not be the same.

From the bottom of my heart, as a movie fan and voice-over groupie… thank you, Don.

The Most Depressing News of the Week

We live in a world where atrocities are commonplace. Just turn on the news to see soldiers having their heads blown off in Iraq, horrible acts of deviance and depravity being performed on young children, and tragic events like the recent bus disaster that lead to many passengers losing their lives. However, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve come across something that has made me lose faith in humanity altogether…

The Geico Cavemen are getting their own sitcom.

I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. The Geico Cavemen (an ad from the company with the worst marketing department in the world. You know, “So Easy a Caveman Could Do It”?) are getting their own sitcom.

This is it, folks! The Apocalypse is here! Start maxing out your credit cards and having unprotected sex with your neighbor’s spouse; we’re not going to last much longer.

This is one of those things that makes me do a cartoon-like double take. My eyes bug out of my head and my jaw unhinges and drops to the floor. (yes, my tongue rolls out like a red carpet, too.) It’s the fucking Geico Cavemen! What in the name of Xenu have they done to deserve this? Even more, what have we done to deserve this?! Whatever it is, I’m sorry, but please don’t hurt me like this.

The show will, as the ads do, focus on the erudite cavemen (and supposedly, cavewomen) leading normal lives and encountering prejudice. Good natured, yes. But, a good natured bad idea is still a bad idea. This show is going to be like 3rd Rock from the Sun, but worse, because there’s no room to go after the first episode. How will the producers and writers keep finding something fresh to come back to? It is, like the commercials are, a one-note horn. But at least hearing one note for 30 seconds is better (in it’s own weird way) than hearing that same note for a full half hour. You’d pray for commercials after the first 5 minutes. At least there, there’d be some variety!

And who’s responsible for this amniotic-fluid-covered, screeching abomination of a television program? ABC. The American Broadcasting Corporation. The same people who won our hearts (for a few moments, at least) with Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? have now taken what goodwill they have left and pissed all over it. To be honest, I only watched ABC for Saturday Morning Cartoons when I was younger and The Drew Carey Show when I was older. Now that both of them are gone, I could care less about ABC. They are filling space on my channel roster, since I guess it’s not cost-efficient to put a test pattern in its place.

I’ve bitched loudly and openly that Geico have the worst commercials out there on the television today. The Gecko is slightly bearable, like a pet that doesn’t demand too much attention. But everything else that Geico does is pure horseshit. I’m glad I live in New York City and don’t have to drive a car, so I don’t have to give any of my money to those mind-numbing criminals, stealing my life 30 seconds at a time. So I urge anyone who is just as perplexed and distraught about these proceedings as I am to take action. Sure, the military quagmire that is Iraq is important, as are such riveting reports like “Anna Nicole: Still Dead”, but this is an issue that demands immediate and widespread coverage. Let’s send Geico a message that we won’t stand for their unfunny crap anymore. And let’s let ABC know that this is a bad move. ABC needs to be told these things; after all, this was the network that canceled Clerks: The Animated Series.

But ultimately, I whine and complain, but this really doesn’t affect me or anyone else too much. The Cavemen (as I’m sure it’ll be called) will suck, but I won’t watch it. Neither will with vast majority of the American public. The only ones being affected are the poor suckers that are investing their time and money into making it. Eventually, it will wither away and die a quiet death, like most other bad ideas made by important people. By that point, something bigger will occupy our attention, and The Cavemen can pass gracefully into the Big Programming Office in the Sky.

P.S. Many of you are also aware that Burger King has just announced a development deal for a feature film starring their mascot, The Burger King. Frankly, I’m tired, so I’ll leave this one up to anyone reading. Please post a comment (it doesn’t hurt, honest!) below and debate which one is the worse idea. I may join in if this gets heated.

Bad Dog

This one’s a little late, so forgive me…

I read on the news a few days ago that Duane Chapman, better known to people as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” has lost his legal battle with the Mexican government, and will soon be extradited to Mexico to face charges for… get this.. bounty hunting.

Apparently, this whole hubbub started when Chapman and crew went down to Mexico (“The Other North American Land-Mass”) and apprehended Andrew Luster, the heir to Max Factor cosmetics, who fled the US for Mexico while he was on trial for poisoning and rape. The issue here is that bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico. So, when Chapman & Co. refused to turn him back in to the Mexican authorities, they were declared fugitives themselves. They were arrested in Honolulu in 2006 and have been fighting extradition ever since.

Well, the Dog lost this fight, and he’s headed back to Mexico to face charges and, if convicted, he faces up to 4 years in prison. Luster, on the other hand, is now in jail and serving multiple life sentences.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about this case is, “Why did it take the Mexican government so long to find this guy?” I mean, he has a freakin’ TV show, for Christ’s sake! I guess they don’t get cable in Mexico…

But on a serious note, these are the sort of cases that test your resolve. First of all, you’ve got to admire Chapman’s determination and resolve. As far as I can see, this wasn’t personal; it was about justice, and bringing someone who tried to use a loophole in the system to win his freedom back down to earth. But, on the other hand, the law is there to make us act better than our instincts push us to. Even though this guy was probably laughing at us from across the border, you can’t just reach across the line and pull the guy back. Sadly, this case is pretty open and shut, unless their lawyer can either push the definition of “bounty hunting”, or confuse them with bad spanish grammar.

Mr. Chapman knows what it’s like to be in prison. He spent many years locked up for 2nd Degree Murder before becoming a bounty hunter. If there is “justice” in the truest sense of the word, then I’d hope that he can avoid going to jail again.

But, if he does go to prison, and they allow the A&E cameras in there, I’m sooooo watching that.