The Most Depressing News of the Week

We live in a world where atrocities are commonplace. Just turn on the news to see soldiers having their heads blown off in Iraq, horrible acts of deviance and depravity being performed on young children, and tragic events like the recent bus disaster that lead to many passengers losing their lives. However, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve come across something that has made me lose faith in humanity altogether…

The Geico Cavemen are getting their own sitcom.

I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. The Geico Cavemen (an ad from the company with the worst marketing department in the world. You know, “So Easy a Caveman Could Do It”?) are getting their own sitcom.

This is it, folks! The Apocalypse is here! Start maxing out your credit cards and having unprotected sex with your neighbor’s spouse; we’re not going to last much longer.

This is one of those things that makes me do a cartoon-like double take. My eyes bug out of my head and my jaw unhinges and drops to the floor. (yes, my tongue rolls out like a red carpet, too.) It’s the fucking Geico Cavemen! What in the name of Xenu have they done to deserve this? Even more, what have we done to deserve this?! Whatever it is, I’m sorry, but please don’t hurt me like this.

The show will, as the ads do, focus on the erudite cavemen (and supposedly, cavewomen) leading normal lives and encountering prejudice. Good natured, yes. But, a good natured bad idea is still a bad idea. This show is going to be like 3rd Rock from the Sun, but worse, because there’s no room to go after the first episode. How will the producers and writers keep finding something fresh to come back to? It is, like the commercials are, a one-note horn. But at least hearing one note for 30 seconds is better (in it’s own weird way) than hearing that same note for a full half hour. You’d pray for commercials after the first 5 minutes. At least there, there’d be some variety!

And who’s responsible for this amniotic-fluid-covered, screeching abomination of a television program? ABC. The American Broadcasting Corporation. The same people who won our hearts (for a few moments, at least) with Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? have now taken what goodwill they have left and pissed all over it. To be honest, I only watched ABC for Saturday Morning Cartoons when I was younger and The Drew Carey Show when I was older. Now that both of them are gone, I could care less about ABC. They are filling space on my channel roster, since I guess it’s not cost-efficient to put a test pattern in its place.

I’ve bitched loudly and openly that Geico have the worst commercials out there on the television today. The Gecko is slightly bearable, like a pet that doesn’t demand too much attention. But everything else that Geico does is pure horseshit. I’m glad I live in New York City and don’t have to drive a car, so I don’t have to give any of my money to those mind-numbing criminals, stealing my life 30 seconds at a time. So I urge anyone who is just as perplexed and distraught about these proceedings as I am to take action. Sure, the military quagmire that is Iraq is important, as are such riveting reports like “Anna Nicole: Still Dead”, but this is an issue that demands immediate and widespread coverage. Let’s send Geico a message that we won’t stand for their unfunny crap anymore. And let’s let ABC know that this is a bad move. ABC needs to be told these things; after all, this was the network that canceled Clerks: The Animated Series.

But ultimately, I whine and complain, but this really doesn’t affect me or anyone else too much. The Cavemen (as I’m sure it’ll be called) will suck, but I won’t watch it. Neither will with vast majority of the American public. The only ones being affected are the poor suckers that are investing their time and money into making it. Eventually, it will wither away and die a quiet death, like most other bad ideas made by important people. By that point, something bigger will occupy our attention, and The Cavemen can pass gracefully into the Big Programming Office in the Sky.

P.S. Many of you are also aware that Burger King has just announced a development deal for a feature film starring their mascot, The Burger King. Frankly, I’m tired, so I’ll leave this one up to anyone reading. Please post a comment (it doesn’t hurt, honest!) below and debate which one is the worse idea. I may join in if this gets heated.